Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
