That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
