thus making me awesome and them whores
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
