My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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