Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
