Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I didn't notice because vodka
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
