the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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