You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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