Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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