I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
