Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
