My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I am mentally ready for anal.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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