if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Oh god it's open bar.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
