so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
