my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
