You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
