So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I am midnight drunk by noon
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
