just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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