shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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