True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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