Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
