I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
