he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
