Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
