Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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