I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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