all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
