After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
