I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
