I can tuck mytits in my pants
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
