I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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