Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
