I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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