Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
