It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
