Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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