Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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