Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
