it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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