I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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