Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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