my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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