my vag is so smooth its legendary
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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