I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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