I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
