I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
