dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
