you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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