Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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