he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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